Nothing was different, but nothing would ever be the same

I'm a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, also known as the Mormons. When possible on Sundays, I discuss some things related to my faith and what I believe. With respect to your own beliefs, I hope this gives you a chance to get to know me and my religion a little better. For previous installments, click here.

Last week I spoke of loss, largely of parental loss, and that I believe in life before and after this one. This is the story of the most profound loss I have yet experienced in my own life.

I confirmed that I was pregnant late on a Wednesday afternoon in late August 2017, about ten minutes before Blake was due to be home for the day. I was fairly confident, based on certain symptoms that I now know for sure are my personal early pregnancy signs, but a quick home test and I knew. I'd been antsy about it all day, but I didn't want to know too much sooner than he did. When he got home, I gave him a super cute little "Made in Japan" onesie I'd rather hopefully commissioned a few weeks or months prior and we were both very excited. We got hospital confirmation by Friday of that week.

We told family that weekend, because Blake would be leaving soon for another temporary assignment and we wanted the familial support during that time. We told a few local friends and Blake's chain of command for the same reason. And because we just couldn't contain the happy news for long!

As is often the case with the Navy, Blake's assignment changed. He was supposed to be flying out to the carrier, the USS REAGAN, but instead he was tasked to help with the USS MCCAIN investigation down in Singapore and left right after Labor Day, with an undetermined return date. I didn't get to visit him, because of Zika, but I had my first prenatal appointment and busied myself with good things, as I do while he's away.

Three weeks later, Blake came home for 19 hours! Hooray! He got home Saturday night and was gone again by late Sunday afternoon, this time definitely for the Reagan with another undetermined return date. We'd been looking forward to him getting some experience at sea, and he was stoked about landing on an aircraft carrier!

Taken during the short window we got to be together

Malcolm tries to remind Blake to take him too by laying in the middle of his re-packing

I was feeling a little ill the Sunday afternoon he was home. I'd been having some mild spotting almost daily for the previous month, but everything I read indicated it wasn't anything to worry about, so I was trying not to. By Monday morning, just before he was supposed to take off on his flight to the ship, the spotting and the feeling ill had increased, but OB said not to worry yet but to keep an eye on it. So, I told Blake to get on his flight and we'd be okay.

Naturally, I worried and kept close eye on things all day. I was taking a pottery class on base on Monday evenings, so I headed down. I was running late, and our dear friend (and Blake's immediate report in his chain of command) was leaving work late, which is unlike both of us, but it gave us a chance to run into each other and to talk. I think we were supposed to run into each other. I told her what was going on and she said that if anything more happened, anytime, to call her. I promised I would.

Pottery class was an hour long. OB had said that if bleeding increased enough to soak a pad in an hour to go immediately to the ER. I checked right after class and, sure enough, it was time to go. It was a blessing that I was already on main base, where the hospital was, and my instructor was kind enough to drive me to the hospital while I called Kate and stayed with me until Kate could arrive. I also called my upstairs neighbor, Jen, to update her and asked her to check in on Malcolm for me.

The ER wasn't very busy that night, so I was taken straight back. The next few hours was a lot of waiting, exams, tests, and worry. It couldn't be confirmed immediately that I was miscarrying, but I was told the baby was measuring small for the 9 weeks and 6 days they should have been and we were also checking that it wasn't ectopic or anything else.

Somewhere in that, Blake finally messaged me to let me know that he was safely on the ship and had started getting settled in. I had to respond that I was in the ER. He found a phone on the ship and called me immediately. I updated him as much as I could. He started offering to see if he could get back off the ship and home and I was about to tell him "No, you're already there, I'll be fine.", but I was taken to an ultrasound in the radiology department before I got a chance. I laid alone, scared, and crying while the tech, who had been called in from home, silently did their job. By the time I got back, maybe 30 minutes later, Kate had updated our commanding officer (CO) and Blake had updated his chain on the ship and the commands had already decided, without Blake asking, to send him home as soon as possible. Unfortunately, that wouldn't be until next day, but it would ultimately be better than either of us being alone. We talked a couple more times throughout the evening and the doctor came by during at least one phone call so they were able talk too.

Somewhere in the 9pm hour, I finally called Summer (who I do the school musicals and many other things with) to let her know that I wouldn't be at rehearsal the next day and why. She immediately offered words of comfort and asked if I would like her to send Ben to give me a blessing. We believe that through the power of the priesthood, blessings can be given for illness and comfort and through our faith we can be healed, if that is the will of Heavenly Father. It can be hard to ask for help, of any kind, but after running to Kate as I had earlier and the pottery instructor offering to drive and this offer of a blessing, I was getting practice in taking people up on things as fast as I could. I knew I couldn't do it alone. Ben recruited another man from church to help and arrived about 20-30 minutes later. Kate, a woman of faith in her own way, had also prayed for and with me while we were waiting.

Finally, around 11pm, I was discharged. We still didn't know for sure yet, but it was most likely that I was experiencing a miscarriage. I was told to keep an eye on the pain (which had started setting in while in the ER) and the bleeding and sent home. Our CO, who lived very close to the hospital, had offered his car to Kate, since neither of us had one, so she could drive me home. I called my parents and Blake's to let them know what was happening. I also had to call Jen again, the aforementioned upstairs neighbor, because I was completely out of toilet paper. I had planned to pick some up on my home, if things had gone according to plan.

Eventually, I got to bed and woke up feeling sad and scared on Tuesday morning. I was still bleeding some and the pain was mild, and my outlook was not good. I walked Malcolm and probably tried to eat breakfast and go about my day. But, by late morning, the pain came on so suddenly and so intensely that I was vomiting and shaking on the bathroom floor. I called Jen again and asked for a ride back to the ER. When I was waiting for Jen by the front door of our building, I saw another friend from church and told her what was happening.

I later identified that the pain was probably labor pains, which my body was not ready for. It came in waves every several minutes and was the most intense and painful I could ever remember. Jen helped me breathe and work through them until I was able to get some medication. There were more tests and exams and finally the official confirmation - my HCG (the pregnancy hormone) levels were 50% what they were the day before. I was, in fact, having a miscarriage. Once again, Blake called to tell me that he in was back in Japan and awaiting a flight back home, and I had to, once again, tell him I was in the ER. I also told Kate at some point that I was back in the hospital and when she tried to check on me and I didn't respond right away, she came over from her office in the building next door and relieved Jen. Eventually, and I can't remember how she found out - probably related the church friend I'd seen earlier, my friend Crystal came shortly after I was discharged and waiting at the pharmacy and relieved Kate.

This time, Crystal took me home. We stopped for a smoothie (because I was hungry but had no energy or desire to actually eat), which she kindly went in for while I hid in the car. Once we got home, I took Malcolm out and then Crystal and I both took up residence on the couch. We talked a little, but mostly just watched The Great British Baking Show while I laid down. Crystal admitted it was probably the most tv she'd watched in years, but I was grateful for her company. At some point, I actually heated up some dinner for both of us because I was feeling up to it and because it was easier than trying to tell her where everything was.

Eventually, Crystal started falling asleep on the couch. By this time, Jen had picked up Blake from the airport so I knew I'd only be alone for an hour or so, and sent Crystal home.

Blake was given the rest of the week to be with me as much as needed. He had to do a little work stuff here and there, but mostly we were just able to be together. Wednesday morning, the fetal tissue passed. Thursday, we got a ride from yet another friend back to the base so I could some follow up lab work and see the OB. It was supposed to be my 10 week appointment, but instead to it was to make sure everything was progressing as it should in a different kind of way so I wouldn't have to have a d&c. We had a couple hours to wait in between the lab and the OB, so while Blake ran errands like groceries, I rested at a friend's apartment, even though they weren't home. Their cat took care of me instead, which I referenced vaguely last year. 

Throughout the week, we had a few visitors, meals were dropped off, and many people called or texted to check in. Because Blake was gone to the ship and then suddenly back and then there were all the people we had already drawn on for assistance, so we knew we weren't going to be able to not tell people, and we really didn't mind that word was getting around. It was easier than telling people ourselves. I can't say that I'm ever happy to talk to about it, but I'm comfortable talking about it and willing to, when the time is right.

Saturday we went out to a light movie on base, just to get out of the house. But on Sunday, I wasn't up to the social and fellowshipping part of church. I did, however, really want to partake of the Sacrament (much like communion, but with bread and water instead of wafers and wine), which we believe is a renewal of our baptismal covenants and chance to realign ourselves with God's will every week. I also knew I was in great need of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, which we believe covers all struggles and ailments - not just sin and death. So, we showed up to church just as services started, stayed until the Sacrament had been passed, and then quietly left.

Monday, Blake went back to work and I went back to rehearsal and we tried to get back to normal life. Except, like the song lyric that I chose for this post, nothing was different, but nothing would ever be the same. It was the most intense grieving process I have ever experienced, and I was retrospectively sad for all the friends and family I've had who have had a similar loss. It's not a club you fully understand until you do. I felt broken and devastated and lost. And, admittedly, I sometimes felt relieved. I was (and still am) terrified about being a parent. Even though I was (and still am) mostly excited about the prospect, I was also okay with waiting a little longer, but then I'd feel guilty about that. It's an incredible roller coaster of emotions and a cycle I've been dealing with ever since.

Eventually, we did mostly get back to normal. There were probably even some days I didn't think about the loss at all, but most days it at least crossed my mind. And, as most people know, just over a year later, we are having better success this time around and have officially been told that the chance of miscarriage in this pregnancy is less than 1%.

I don't know why this baby didn't get to stay with us, and I don't know for sure what will happen in regards to this specific loss in the future. We have beliefs and doctrine about what happens to children after they are born, but nothing specific about before. Just hope, and I can live with that.

If you've ever experienced this kind of loss, you are not alone. I am here and we can talk, or not talk, or whatever you need. 20-25% of pregnancies end in loss, so it's a much bigger club than any of us would ever hope. Our generation is much better talking about it than those before us, but it's still not easy, nor will it ever be. I know I'm changed forever because of this, but I am grateful for the family, friends, and especially Blake, Heavenly Father, and Jesus Christ who made sure I didn't have to do this alone. 

It's turkey-lurkey time

My lemon meringue pie didn't turn out. I am officially 1 for 3 of lemon meringue pies I've attempted to make. Two of them have turned into a delicious lemon drizzle instead, which tastes great on vanilla ice cream, but doesn't hold up on a plate. Too many variables in the history of making the pie to know exactly what went wrong, but I'm sure I'll try again one day.

I'm most impressed that my pumpkin-chocolate tart turned out as well as it did! Despite the fact that I could have sworn I saw some at some grocery store somewhere, I had to make my own creme fraiche. It's not that tricky, but you have to start with buttermilk and I didn't have any of the that either. I can get it at the commissary, but I needed very little and didn't want to buy a whole quart of it. So, I started with making my own buttermilk with whole milk and lemon juice. Once that was set up, I added it to some heavy cream and just left it on the counter for 12 hours. The consistency didn't seem all that different by then, but I used it anyway. I also forgot to add sugar to the chocolate crust mix, so I just generally sugared the top of the crust and hoped for the best. Despite all this, it finished well and was quite yummy. 

Everything else went according to plan, except that I almost forgot to put the turkey in the oven! I remembered about 30 minutes later than I meat to, but that's not terrible. 

Overall, we had 10 people to feed and between our contributions and theirs, we had way more food than we could ever have needed and everyone had some of their favorites represented. I didn't even get to try it all because this lemon sized gummy bear I'm carrying around takes up more space than you think it would at this point. I even waited for pie longer than everyone else, and I still was barely able to find room for it. 

After dinner, several of us played Twister (an interesting post-dinner choice, but one our friends may make a tradition) and Pit - a game I love but don't play much because you need several players. 

Literally the only photo I took all day

Ultimately, it was a great day and a lovely meal with even lovelier people. We're up to at least 4 loads of dishes in the last 24 hours, with at least another two to go, but it was worth it! 

Families can be together forever

I'm a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, also known as the Mormons. When possible on Sundays, I discuss some things related to my faith and what I believe. With respect to your own beliefs, I hope this gives you a chance to get to know me and my religion a little better. For previous installments, click here.

I believe that this mortal life is not all there is. I believe that we lived in a spiritual form before we were born and that we will live in a spiritual form again after we die until the resurrection when our spirit and body will be reunited in a perfect form forever. I believe that we have opportunities to live and grow and learn in this life and that we will have to chance to continue and progress beyond this life as well.

I believe because of those beliefs about life before and after this one that the relationships we have now may have existed in the existence before this and have the potential to continue after this one as well, especially marriages and families that are solemnized in temples for time and all eternity.

This belief is one of the great comforts of the gospel - that we will see those who pass on before us again and that death is only a temporary separation. That's not to say it's easy to lose those we love or that we can't be sad or grieve their loss, but that it can give some additional perspective to that loss and help, eventually, ease its pain. While some deaths can be a relief, such as the end of long and/or painful illness, others are still incredibly difficult, particularly anyone who dies before it is expected.

Of course, the closer we are to someone, the harder it can be to lose them, no matter the circumstances. Two of my friends (and their families) are going through one of the most challenging losses I anticipate anyone having to go through - the loss of a parent, particularly in a quick and unexpected way. These friends are close to my age and the parents close to the age of mine. One lost their mother, the other their father, and both due to sudden and relatively short illness. While it's not a loss I fully understand yet, and hope I don't anytime soon, I am still very sad for them and their families and their surviving spouses. And I'm sad for myself, because I know these parents that my friends have lost too, and they will be missed.

My friends believe as I do, but I know that they are hurting anyway and are sad not just for themselves, but for their young children who have lost a grandparent. Even when we believe we will see them again, we are sad for the lost potential of what could have been if we'd had more time here.

There is a lot more to Heavenly Father's plan for us than I can ever adequately explain here. You can learn more at this site, but I'm also happy to answer any questions anyone might have. I am grateful for the peace and perspective it gives me in all aspects of life and, in this particular case, look forward to seeing my loved ones again.

Grandpa P, who passed away in 2016. Shortly after I moved to Japan later that year, I realized he wasn't around anymore and didn't know we got to live in Japan. Immediately, I thought, "He knows." And I believe that's true - that he knows, loves me, and is proud of me and Blake and our little family.

Drink to the foam

There are a lot of Navy traditions. And I do mean a lot. I found this list just now, but it's certainly not exhaustive. I've learned about a few of them in the past three years of being a Navy wife, and I know I have more to learn. Some have changed over time, as the world has modernized, more women have joined the service, or any number of other reasons. For example, there is a ceremony for crossing the line - when the ship you're on crosses the Equator. Those who have never crossed the line before transition from pollywogs to shellbacks during this event, which was once much more embarrassing and grueling than it is now.

One we've participated in a few times has completely changed from its historical connotations. This tradition, called a "wetting down", occurs when someone promotes. Originally, when someone receives a new stripe or insignia, it would be super obvious because it would be very clean and bright compared to the rest of the uniform. In order to blend it in, they'd wet it down with sea water and dirty it up so it wasn't so obvious they were only recently promoted.

Now, a wetting down more simply refers to a social event where the newly promoted treats the rest of the officers in the command to drinks or something. We don't drink, so for Blake's wetting down for his last promotion, we treated the command to a movie and concessions at the theater on base, and had a great time!

Another tradition we participate in somewhat regularly, including tonight, is the Hail and Farewell, to celebrate both newcomers to a wardroom and those leaving. A Navy wardroom is basically a social club of the officers in a command. On a ship, it's a specific room. Off a ship, in a command like ours, its more theoretical. Of course, because this is the Navy, there is a lot more to it, but wardroom events are opportunities for the officers to socialize with each other, but also for senior officers to get to know and even mentor junior officers. Spouses are frequently guests of the wardroom, and I enjoy the chance to get to know Blake's colleagues and their spouses.

Our first Hail and Farewell was our own when we first arrived in Japan. The CO introduces the newcomer and their family (if applicable), usually in a generally lighthearted kind of way. For those we farewell, the CO talks a bit about their accomplishments over the past tour and wishes them well on future endeavors. It's been a few months since the last event, so we had a number of people to celebrate tonight for the Region Legal Service Office (RLSO), which Blake is the process of transferring back into from the DSO.

Tonight, at a bar on base, was a good time - I got to meet Blake's new CO and XO, who both seem like good people, and chatted with some other friends I hadn't seen for a bit. I did burn the roof of my mouth a little on some waffle fries, but I'll live.

We have a really good and supportive command and JAG community, even with changes in personnel every few months. Not every command is this great, so I know we've lucked out to have such a positive experience for a first tour. Some of the people we are meeting now will likely be people we run into in the fleet for the rest of Blake's career and I think that will be a good thing!

Forgot to take a photo at the event, so we are are on the train home!

Rise Up

Blake's job as a first tour JAG has been to rotate between the four main branches of military law to learn about their functions and start figuring out what he likes best and what he is suited for. He started in prosecution, then legal assistance, the operational law/command services, and finally spent the last several months in defense. It was actually a bit more complicated than all that with some of his temporary assignments, but that's the basic gist of it.

Defense is actually a different command than the rest of it, for obvious conflict of interest reasons. You can't have the same chain of command working on opposite sides of the same case. So in May, he checked out of the Region Legal Service Office and checked into the Defense Service Office. Within the next two weeks, he will check out of the DSO and back into the RLSO for his next assignment.

As such, the DSO had two farewell events in his honor this week. The first was an informal dinner with fellow officers (spouses were invited, but I was the only in attendance) at a local izakaya, a type of Japanese bar where you can get a private room and order small dishes for everyone to share to accompany your beverages of choice. He received a certificate that was lighthearted in nature to commemorate his time at DSO and we enjoyed the casual social time.

The final event was his formal farewell from his command during an all hands meeting, in uniform, at the office. Here, his commanding officer read a letter detailing his accomplishments over the last five months and praised him in front of the entire command. Normally, he would have also received a plaque, but the engraver is apparently down and he will just have to get that eventually.

I cried some happy, proud tears. He really has done great work and learned a lot, which will certainly serve him well in his career to come! This life isn't easy, but he is doing it well!

Roll round with the year and never stand still

Last year, we completed our first Shichifukujin, or Seven Lucky Gods, pilgrimage for luck and happiness in the new year. You can read all about our 2017 pilgrimage and more about them in general here.

This year, I wanted to complete our neighborhood Shichifukujin, as I felt it would be more meaningful than some other location, so this year we visited seven temples in Zushi and Hayama. This time, we were able to complete it in only a few hours in one day! We used this blog from a previous military family's experience and this site in Japanese as our guides. It would probably been faster if we had a car, but between our feet, trains, and the bus, it was still easily doable.

Toshou-ji Temple - Fukuroku-jyu

Enmei-ji Temple - Benzaiten

Soutai-ji Temple - Daikoku

Choun-ji Temple - Hotei

Senkoin-ji Temple - Bishamonten

Gyokuzouin Temple - Ebisu

Kousho-ji Temple - Jyurojin

Happy Pilgrims

Our completed stamp sheet and the figurines and branch we collected

A few days later, I led another Shichifukujin with friends from church in Shinagawa, Tokyo (route and information here). This is one of the most walkable pilgrimages that I know of (good when leading a group of 15 people!) and with cute little figurines to collect and a boat to display them in. Here, you could get all the figurines and completed stamp sheet all at once at any of the temples, or collect them along the way. Had I never done one before, I might have collected them as we went, but for time's sake, I (and most of the women I was with) got them all at once. One of us collected them along the way, and we all visited all of the temples, so that counts for me!

Shinagawa-jinja Shrine - Daikokuten

Pilgrimage begins! Shinagawa-jinja Shrine - Daikokuten

I wore my rainbow hat so that my friends could follow me easily. The Japanese tend to wear muted colors and blend in, so I knew it would stand out. It worked! Apparently, I didn't get myself into the this group selfie as much as I thought though.

Yogan-ji Temple - Hotei

Isshin-ji Temple - Jyurojin

Ebara-jinja Shrine - Ebisu

Honsen-ji Temple - Bishamonten

All the pilgrims were great troopers!

Tenso Suwa-jinja Shrine - Fukurokujyu

Iwai-jinja Shrine - Benzaiten

Huge panda donut I found along the way. Sadly, it was filled with red bean paste instead of chocolate. It wasn't terrible, but chocolate or cream would have better.

Completed boat and stamp sheet

Fourteen temples in one week is quite a lot (and it wasn't even the final count! More on that later), but all the luck and fortune that should bring our family this year will be worth it! Do I actually believe in it? Probably not, but it sure couldn't hurt!

Back like Szechuan sauce with my day ones coming on top

Chengdu is in the Sichuan province of China. Even though it’s relatively central if you’re looking at a map of the country, it’s pretty far west in the inhabited portion before the mountains take over. Sichuan (also known as Szechuan) is known, at the very least, for its spicy food and opera.

Opera costume

While it’s a sizable city, there isn’t a whole lot to do or see of major significance within the city limits. Many trip guides of top local attractions in Chengdu only list the pandas and a couple of other places and then start suggesting places two hours away or more. With only two full days here, and wanting to spend time with our friends, we knew those places wouldn’t work on this trip, but we still managed to have some pretty good days.

The panda base, even for me who loves pandas beyond reason, really only takes half a day. We were there for about six hours before heading out for our afternoon activity - Wide and Narrow Alleys (Kuanzhai Xiangzi) - which offered us the chance to see some interesting Chinese architecture, eat adventurous food, and browse a variety of shops.

When we arrived, we’d already walked something like seven miles and were ravenous, but trying to locate and identify food was a challenge. Well, mostly identify. We saw steamed buns and varieties of meat on sticks and then saw cooked rodent heads (later identified as rabbit) and some brain soup. We’re adventurous, but we’re not that adventurous. Eventually, we found some alleyway dive, pointed at some things and ended up with some beef rib on a stick, pork chunks on a stick, and some dumplings not on a stick. It was pretty good! We wandered up and down the alleys for awhile until we’d had our fill and then successfully navigated the metro for the first time to get back to the consulate, which is where our friends live. For dinner, we all went to a Tex-Mex restaurant that was surprisingly good. At the end of a 26,000+ step day, I felt no qualms wolfing down some cheesy enchiladas and a big German Chocolate ice cream dessert.

Even the graffiti gets into the spirit

Pollution

Wide Alley

Lunch!

Rabbit heads - not lunch

We were mesmerized by this guy whipping noodles

Caramel work

Sichuan Opera costume

Starbucks > Communism

On Friday, we started our day by navigating up to the Panda Avenue metro station, just to see how it was decorated and then went to a shopping area called Tai Koo Li for people watching, more panda decorative cuteness, and delicious soup dumplings and dim sum that our friends recommended. Nearby was a Buddhist temple - Daci Temple - which we also explored.

Don't miss the panda scaling the building behind us!

Afterward, we took a cab to Wangjianglou Park or Bamboo Park. The paid area has some historical buildings to explore and the open area features a few more, but also lots of people just going about their park business. And a run down children’s amusement park.

Dinner that night was at a place the Americans colloquially call Rabbit Restaurant. Everything is served family style and everything was delicious. This was probably my favorite meal of the whole trip. We had crispy rabbit (which our friend convinced her daughter was chicken for as long as she could and the look of betrayal when her daughter realized she had, in fact, eaten rabbit was all too clear), duck with crispy rice, eggplant (very popular in Chengdu), some vegetables dishes, some buns you scoop some pork and grain mixture into, and some sort of fried corn dish. Way more food than seven people could eat, but I definitely did my part and then some.

Afterwards, we relaxed and watched My Neighbor Totoro, which I had failed to see before then. I can now authoritatively agree that it is super adorable and it was fun to see and share things about Japan that make it even more meaningful. Apparently it was originally released as a double feature with Grave of the Fireflies, one of the most gut-wrenching films I’ve ever seen and also an anime film. I really hope they showed Totoro second.

Saturday morning, we relaxed with our friends (particularly the kids), had pancakes for breakfast, and did our laundry. Then it was off to the airport for a few days in Beijing!

The luggage carts had touch screens for airport info!

Karaoke booth! Sadly, we did not have time to try them out. 

Many thanks to our dear friends for hosting us in Chengdu!