I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes

Driving back home from my conference today, I spent quite a lot of time in the car. I do enjoy a good road trip, as long time readers of this blog would know. Lately, I've especially enjoyed having Blake along for company. We road trip well together.

Sadly, Blake was not with me this time, and I missed him. Instead of talking to my dear husband to pass the time, I listened to podcasts and ate an obscene amount of Twizzlers. Talking to him since I got back, however, we've realized there are two things the D.C. area roadways lack.

One, we're perfectly okay with - billboards. Apparently, removing billboards on the nation's highways was a project of Lady Bird Johnson's.  I suppose a remnant of that project are laws prohibiting billboards in D.C. and in surrounding area highways. I only saw a handful on I-81, generally advertising local attractions. Within an hour of D.C., there were none whatsoever.

I dislike billboards. Maybe they help with advertising, but I find them to be eyesores and they don't change often enough to be interesting. When driving the same highways with any frequency, seeing the same billboards over and over gets boring. Fortunately, without billboards, I get to enjoy the natural scenery, focus on the traffic, and enjoy unimpeded views.

The second thing the D.C. area roadways lack are Sonic Drive-Ins. The closest one is an hour away from us. In fact, Roanoke had 4 to choose from today! But D.C.? Zero. It's probably a good thing, since if I lived within any sort of convenient distance to one, I'd be drinking way too many cherry limeades and other drink combinations and snacking on too many tater tots. Instead, it's become a treat for Blake and me on road trips. If we pass one, we generally make a stop. We have it less often, so it's a little more special than just an everyday option. So, today, I really enjoyed my 44 oz cherry limeade, corn dog, and tots, and Blake enjoyed the last dregs of my drink. I don't know when I'll get another and I'm at peace with that.

Sonic tots after visiting Bethany Beach, DE, in 2013

What about you - how do you feel about billboards? Are you pro-Sonic? What's your favorite treat?

Tell me, what do you want from me

I've recently discovered that there a lot more people who read this blog than I realize. I already know that I don't personally know everyone who comments, let alone reads.

But I'd like to know more about you.

Per the example of a blog of a friend of a friend, I'm declaring today De-Lurk Day!

Do you regularly read this blog? How did you find me? Do we know each other other or do you know someone I know or did you just blogsurf your way over and decide to stay awhile?

Post a comment and let me know! If you're a regular commenter, or even my sister, post here anyway and say hi so that we can all get to know each other a little better. If you'd rather not, that's okay too. Or, if you'd rather let me know without letting the whole world know, shoot me an email at thebookguardian@gmail.com.

While we're at it, I'd love to know what you guys think. Is there something I should be posting more or less of? Anything you want to know about me? What about the design? Do you love/hate the colors? Would you rather my music player didn't start automatically? Do you have requests for my music player? What about a weekly music feature where I highlight my favorite song o' the week?

This blog is mostly for me, but since I have an audience, I'd like to consider you as well. Be kind, but let me know if there's something different you'd like to see or something you'd like to see more of. I'll certainly take any feedback under consideration!

And, just to make things interesting, I'll pick a random commenter who will win something (exact piece to be decided) from one of my new favorite jewelry websites - peora.com! (If you're a guy, or my grandma who can't wear jewelry, we'll work something out.) Comment by Sunday, April 5, to be considered.




Ready . . . set . . . comment!

Bowel shaking earthquakes of doubt and remorse

Do you ever doubt?

I do.

Some days, without any warning, I start to doubt my ability in some aspect of my life. Because I have gobs of time to myself and plenty of time to think, I start overthinking it. Before I know, I've started doubting everything about myself.

Today is one of those days. Overthinking a conversation from a couple of days ago, I started doubting my ability to ever find a mate. Then I started doubting my ability to keep real friends or even be a real friend. Thinking about my future, I started doubting my librarian skills, and my academic skills. I feel like I know nothing about anything and, should I leave my current position, who in the world would ever hire me, marry me, or be my friend? I doubt my ability to focus, to keep a clean house, to ever get on top of to do list, to even finish the paper that's due tomorrow. Inexplicably, I have no confidence in regards to anything.

I know I'm wrong. I absolutely know that I'm just making this up, that I am, in fact, amazing and that I'm just a lot stressed and a little bit lonely.

This post isn't a cry for help. I'm not hoping to be flooded with comments saying "You're awesome!! Don't worry!" Of course, those are welcome, but what I really need to do is focus. Focus on one problem at a time. At work, I need to focus on cataloging. When I'm driving, I should focus on driving. At dance, I need to focus on perfecting the movements. Once I get home tonight, I need to focus on finishing that paper.

I shouldn't worry about whether things are going to pan out with someone if there is nothing I can do about it. I shouldn't even worry about how much of a mess my room is right now, because I don't have time to do anything about it yet. I will, but that day is not today.

When it comes to relationships, I can choose not to worry and do what I can. If that's text a friend and invite them to something, great! If they choose not to answer or accept, someone else will. If nobody does, I'll find another way to maximize my free time.

Easier said than done, of course, but I do know that when my head is really in the game at hand, I don't worry about anything else until it's time to do so.

I hope to follow Mormon's counsel, above all:

Doubt not, but be believing, and begin as in times of old, and come unto the Lord with all your heart, and work out your own salvation with fear and trembling before him.

What do you do when you begin to doubt?

I am not always on time, please don't expect that from me

I am constantly running 5-15 minutes late. With the exception of things like planes and trains, which will take off without me and I WILL be early for that and you better not make me late or so help me (ask me about the time it took me 24 hours to make a trip that should have taken 5, I dare you), it seems that I am always late. Oh, and I do build time into my schedule to make whatever temple session I'm trying to make, but it always seems a closer call than I might like.

I'm never more than 30 minutes late. If am, I'm probably not coming, it's already been arranged that I will be that late (see my Thursday schedule), or I'm dead on the side of the road. Check for me, will ya? I don't like to make people wait, nor do I like waiting. For instance, the day that The Spy (who just moved out cry), this guy, and I had to wait for my other roommate for at least an hour or more was annoying to us all.

(Side note: She always complained that she hated getting rides because she had to wait for whomever she was receiving them from. I would like to point out that I waited a lot more for her that summer than she did for me. Another pet peeve: Calling me when I'm only 2-3 minutes late just really annoys me (sorry, Mom, I know I did this a lot when I was younger), because I guarantee you that I haven't forgotten or something.)

Also, if work needs me to be exactly on time, I will be. I'll even be early. The days I'm not on time, I stay a few minutes late to make up for it.

Anywho, I recognize that other people's time is as valuable as my own, that Sacrament is best when you're inside the chapel and not in the foyer, and that traffic is a tiny bit faster at 9 AM than at 9:15.

I know this. I hate that I'm late.

I blame, lovingly, my mother. She always found one last little thing to do before we ran out the door (probably because some kid was dawdling) and I got used to having 5 more minutes sometimes. And, now, I do the exact same thing.

It's also her fault, again, lovingly, that I don't get breakfast on the most extreme days of lateness. It was tradition that breakfast was always last after getting ready for the day, and I still subscribe to that theory. So, there are many Sundays, that because I slept in so long and took so long getting ready, that I don't get anything to eat before Church at 1 PM. Yes, I know how ridiculous and unhealthy that is. My mom knows that I blame her for this, and she always laughs at me.

So yeah, I want to improve. I know it takes me at least an hour to get ready for my day (at my sleepy speed), but it's so hard to want to get out of bed in the morning. And, on days that I do get up well in advance, I somehow lose 30 minutes somewhere in my time. The nasty Time Elves come and snatch that time away from me, and then they stick it somewhere in the middle of particularly slow days. It goes something like this "10:45. Okay, I, WAIT how is it 11:30 already!?!? Crap!" And then, on some quiet, turtle-paced Monday, "2:05 . . . GAH! It's only 2:10! How is it still 2 PM at all!?"

I can hit snooze for hours. Having an alarm clock across the room doesn't work for long. Setting clocks ahead just makes me do math, because I know exactly how far ahead it is.

Any ideas?

Help!

NaBloPoMo is coming up again! I had a lot of fun with it last year. November 2007 was also when I officially started using song lyrics as post titles. I've made an effort to never repeat a song, and so far so good. However, my fellow NaBloPoMo-er, Eilonwy, challenged me to use the same song for a month.

She issued this challenge weeks ago and I just can't come with a good song! So, here's where I turn to you! I need song suggestions. Songs that have some versatility and variety, so I can have 30 days of post titles. I have until Saturday to decide, so please don't be shy!

And, for fun, here's what I'm wearing today. (I apologize for the MySpace-bathroom-mirror-cell-phone-ness of it all.)

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?

In my offices (did I mention that I have jurisdiction over three?), I have some 4 file cabinets/sets of drawers and 5 desks, all with many drawers/cabinets/nooks/crannies/places to hide things. They weren't really cleaned out when I moved in and I've been trying to clean them out and organize them as I go. I pretty much my actual desk under control (in that I know what everything is and am no longer surprised), but the rest of the place still needs work. Some of the drawers contain things that might be important (archival checkout records, catalogues, directories, etc.). Others, I find many fun and interesting things in all the time.

Today, I finished up a receipt book and went to look in one of my cabinets for another, knowing there were several in there at one point. I find and pull out their box, realize I've used all the receipt books now, and just before I put the box back in to decide another day if I want to keep all these old books, I see the following in the back of the cabinet.

To Use Only In Desperation, eh? My predecessor labeled lots of things, and I've come to associate her handwriting with well-meaning craziness. Today was no different. What would I find? A secret stash of alcohol? Chocolate? A gun!? What qualified as "desperation" for this woman?

I decided to find out.

Magnetic card holders? Boring! What kind of desperate act requires magnets? Would she have pinned these to her husband's clothes and stuck him to a cabinet? Who knows!?

If you have any ideas, please let me know. Even the mysterious around here are tedious, and I have to decide what to do about my lack of receipts now.

So I'm going home

When I read a book, I always picture the action, the people, the settings, etc. I usually have a pretty clear picture of what's going on, and it doesn't change if I re-read the books. The abundance of Harry Potter movies has somewhat skewed how I imagine the characters, but I still always picture Hogwarts as a variation of my high school. In The Giver, Jonas' home is the apartment my family lived in from when I was 6-12, as is the house in Memoirs of a Geisha. I've noticed a pattern that the homes my character's live is usually a variation of a place I've lived in, or at least somewhere I've spent a significant amount of time, like my grandparents'. This has recently started changing. Bella's house and Edward's house in the Twilight series look nothing like anywhere I've lived or am familiar with that I can think of yet, nor is the home of Eustace Scrubb in The Chronicles of Narnia or Kaye's in Tithe. It makes me wonder if I'm becoming more creative, have been to more places than I can remember, or if it's the influence of the writer and the descriptions they use.

But, the reason for my post is this, what do you imagine or see when you are reading a book? Familiar settings or people? Or something completely different? Or do you not imagine it at all?

Uptown Girl

I love big cities. Here's why:

- No end of things to do:
I can see a play, a movie, a concert (a small one like at Ram's Head or 9:30 Club, not just big arena shows), a museum, a historical building, etc. I can go relax in a park or a see a sporting event. Tours (exhibits, bands, comedians, etc.) come through all the time. As much I love sitting at home and just watching a movie or something, I don't have to. I have options. Lots of them.

- The city doesn't shut down after 9 PM.
IHOP isn't the only thing open after 11 PM. I don't often need that kind of nightlife, but it exists. It's available.

- Culture
There is diversity. I can get to know a lot of different people and culture. I almost like being in the minority sometimes, because I learn so much more. Also, the food is great! I loved that I had Indian, Japanese, and North African restaurants within walking distance of my flat in London. Here, I can order Chinese straight to my door!

- Arts
There is a wider variety in bigger cities. Sure, crappy community theatre is available close by, but I'm not stuck with it. (Disclaimer: Not all community theatre is crap. Just some of it.) I can so see the bigger and better shows, with real professionals involved. I can take dance classes from people who still work in the professional industry. Limited release movies are in theaters for longer than a week. Etc.

- Distance to other types of places
That's one reason I specifically like living in the Mid-Atlantic. 5 hours one I'm in the South, 5 hours another takes me to New York, 10 hours in just about any direction takes me to somewhere else completely different. This is ideal for those that like both the city and the smaller town. You can live in a suburb just outside the city (like I do now), and within an hour you're in a completely different place. If you're in the Midwest (no offense to any Midwesterners, I still love you), you usually have to drive at least two days to get anywhere that doesn't involve a corn field.

- Economy
The unemployment rate is lower in big cities, thanks to the law of averages. Job hunting is easier when there are more options. There is more money available, which balances out the higher cost of living.

I grew up in mid-size city USA. The first time I went to NYC kind of scared me, at least for part of the trip. I swore I'd never go back to Las Vegas. London was in a completely different country! I quickly changed my mind. (Well, not so quickly on the Vegas thing. I didn't go back for at least four years.) I learned that the big city etiquette requires a little more of a person, but once you follow the rules (which are easy - stay out of people's way, the city doesn't revolve you, etc.) people are great. It takes some getting used to, but there are just so many things to do and lifestyle options, it's so worth it.

Each city has a different flavor and attitude, so you have to find the one that fits you best. For example, I'd prefer not to live in Los Angeles or Chicago, but I get along swell with DC, London, and New York City. Because of how close everything is and how many options there are for just where to live in or around a big city, compromises can be made much easier than, say, North Dakota. I, at the very least, just think it's something that should be experienced before it's completely discounted.

Of course, for me, it's more important to live where I need to, for my job/school or a spouse's, or wherever the Lord asks me to go. I seem to move every 6-8 years anyway, so nothing is permanent.

As long as I can though, I want to stay within driving distance to a big city. They just fit me.

Let the memory live again

Since music is such a big part of my life, it should be no surprise that I have many memories related to it. There are lots of songs that remind me of lots of occasions, both good and bad. For example, God Must Have Spent A Little More Time On You by N*Sync will always remind me of my 9th grade "he's-not-my-boyfriend". He wrote the lyrics on the Val-a-Gram he sent me for Valentine's Day. Butterfly by Crazy Town will always remind me of cruising around in my blue pickup with my best friend, Aubrey, in high school. I could go on for a while. Sometimes, I've had to stop listening to certain songs because of the memories they conjure. Also, I'm always surprised when I'm listening to something without memories attached and one comes rushing back. If I'm lucky, it's a pleasant memory.

I'm most surprised when a seemingly random object brings back something. If it's not something I care to remember, I get at least a little mad. This afternoon, I was at the grocery store picking up some last items for a dinner I hosted tonight, when I walked past a display of Cadbury's Creme Eggs. My first thought was one of rejoicing, as I quite like them. Then, I suddenly remembered someone I dated for a few weeks last March and how Cadbury's was one of the things that brought us together. Realizing that it will probably be a while, if ever, before Cadbury's Creme Eggs are just a special Easter candy I happen to love and nothing else, I was not happy. I was already cranky and this just added to it. It wasn't until I was leaving the store twenty minutes later that I remembered it was January and that the candies were out awfully early. (To add to my cranky day, I got to my car only to realize I had forgotten to purchase a rather crucial ingredient, so I had to go back to the store. Grr.)

Occasionally, I wish I could just erase certain memories, a la Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. In the end, however, that would just create more trouble than it's worth. Still.

What are some things that bring back random memories for you?

In the city, the city of Compton

I bet you never guessed I'd use a Tupac song lyric. Well, I did. So there.

I borrowed this meme from Miss Nemesis. You list all the cities you spent at least one night in for 2007. Following her lead, I'm also going to do 2006 and my projected list for 2008. I also tried to do them in order.

2006

Orem, UT
Anaheim, CA
Las Vegas, NV
Provo, UT
Morris Plains, NJ
Grand Island, NE
Chicago, IL
Alexandria, VA
Where I Live Now, VA
Brooklyn, NY
Orem, UT (again, but this time as a visitor)

2007

Where I Live Now, VA
Corolla, NC
Orem, UT
Reston, VA
Nashville, TN
Rockville, MD
Lingfield, UK
Paris, France

2008 (Projected)

Where I Live Now, VA
Ft. Bragg, NC (maybe)
Orlando, FL
Corolla, NC
New York City, NY (maybe)
Orem, UT

My list gets shorter and shorter, but I still think that's not too shabby. Where have you stayed? Leave a comment or a link to your blog!

I enjoy being a girl

In another forum, the question was recently raised as to what traits you have that are masculine and what traits are feminine?

MASCULINE

• Shop with purpose
• Hate asking strangers for directions
• Money cannot buy my happiness
• Independent
• Ambitious, daring
• Love the outdoors
• Good at science and math
• Dress for comfort more than fashion
• Prefer honesty
• Enjoy action, drama, and intellectual films
• Logical
• Prefer clean and neat over floral and frilly
• Enjoy science-fiction
• Prefer backpacks/messenger bags to purses
• Enjoy sports
  

FEMININE

• Nurturing
• Love hair and makeup
• Teacher
• Love the arts
  
• Love dressing up on occasion
• Shoes
• Fairies, butterflies, fantasy
• Hate stupid humor
• Love romantic comedies and escapism
• Cook
• Clean
• Romantic
• Potentially giggly
  
• Enjoy fragant bath and body products
• Move like a woman

I'm actually reluctant to answer the question. I do consider myself a woman, and a feminist (not a militant feminist, mind you), but I don't feel it necessary to delineate my traits as one thing or another. I understand studying the history of gender identity, but the future is that we're all parts of both. I am more interested in what makes a person a person, not a guy or a girl. If we're trying to get past stereotypes and generalizations, not answering questions like this is a good place to start. As I've discussed before, we are all so unique that we should be more concerned about that person, not a whole group of people that may or may not be like that person. There is some scientific evidence that we are both with certain gender traits, and a study of that I can support. But looking at stereotypes and trying to fit ourselves in them seems backwards to me.

It's okay with live within those stereotypes, but they shouldn't define us. I'm a woman. I cry. I don't cry because I'm a woman, I cry because something has made sad, angry, or blissfully happy. Everyone else, male or female, should be allowed to do the same, in any situation.

Now I am a librarian, and I do try to organize materials into specific categories which they may or may not fit in. But people? It just doesn't sit well with me. We are living, breathing, ever-changing things, and trying to categorize us is an exercise in futility.

Comments are welcome. I may not agree with you, but I'll certainly listen to your opinion.